Gratitude Matters
Showing others gratitude helps reinforce their worth, lets them know that their presence in your life is appreciated, that their efforts are noticed, and that they add positively to your life.
But sometimes, whilst you may more readily show appreciation to those you know less well, it can be easy to take those you’re especially close with, for granted, even though you may not mean to.
So how does appreciation shape experiences within a family unit? How does gratitude affect things like relationship satisfaction, wellbeing, parenting stress and psychological distress? Researchers Allen W. Barton and Qiujie Gong (2024) set out to uncover some much needed answers.
How The Researchers Tested Gratitude Effects
The researchers sought to uncover the impact of gratitude between:
(a) romantic couples;
(b) parents and their older children (13–18 year olds);
(c) parents and their younger children (4–12 year olds) [1].
To do so, they used a sample of 593 parents from a study on family resilience, who were either married or in a romantic relationship, and with an average age of 38.35 years. The vast majority were married (83% of the sample, i.e. 492 married individuals, 101 unmarried).
To gauge participants’ perception of receiving gratitude from their romantic partner, they were asked to rate their agreement with statements such as, ‘Expresses appreciation for the things I do for him/her’ and ‘Lets me know that he/she values me’.
To understand their perception of receiving gratitude from their children, statements such as, ‘My child(ren) let me know that they value me’, and ‘My child(ren) acknowledge me when I do something nice for them’.
The researchers also used a similar approach to glean participants’ levels of psychological distress by asking how often they experienced certain stress-related symptoms in the 30 days prior, such as, ‘‘Nervous’, ‘Hopeless’, ‘Restless or fidgety’, ‘So depressed that nothing could cheer you up’, ‘That everything was an effort’.
And similarly, their level of relationship satisfaction was uncovered using statements like, ‘In general, how satisfied are you with your relationship?’.
Key Findings
The researchers discovered that the effects of gratitude from both their romantic partners and their child/children does make a difference to them in these specific ways:
1. Perceived gratitude from romantic partners was associated with couple relationship satisfaction but this perceived gratitude from romantic partners was not linked to parenting stress.
2. Perceived gratitude from children was associated with parenting stress but this perceived gratitude from children was not linked to couple relationship satisfaction.
3. Perceived gratitude from romantic partners as well as older children (13–18 year olds), but not younger children (4–12 year olds), was positively associated with parents’ psychological well-being.
Additional Findings
4. For mothers only, higher levels of perceived gratitude from children were associated with lower parenting stress and higher couple relationship satisfaction.
5. For fathers only, higher levels of perceived gratitude from younger children were associated with lower levels of couple relationship satisfaction.
Key Takeaways In 5 Easy Tips
So to summarise, perceived gratitude can be great for couple relationship satisfaction (couple gratitude), less parenting stress (adolescent gratitude), and psychological well-being for parents (couple gratitude and adolescent gratitude), but also less couple relationship satisfaction (fathers and grateful young children).
But what does this mean for you and your family, and how do you ensure that you use gratitude to your advantage, whilst also preventing the somewhat unexpected negative effect uncovered in Finding 5?
Here are 5 quick easy tips to help you:
1. Practise Showing Genuine Appreciation Daily
Daily relationship habits can make or break a relationship because of the cumulative effect of the things you do repeatedly. Plus, research finds that feeling appreciated can buffer a relationship from declining relationship satisfaction, stability and confidence, during times of stress, such as from ineffective arguing and financial strain in the short-term, and from ineffective arguing in the long-term [2].
That’s a really important point to bear in mind because even though you could at times be making major mistakes in your communication (which you should diligently seek to rectify quickly), you could be limiting its negative effects simply by engaging in a daily positive behaviour such as appreciation.
And as life can throw up all sorts of challenges, making genuine gratitude a daily habit, could be an invaluable tool in your happy relationship.
2. Be Patient And Think Compassionately
When the appreciation isn’t as forthcoming as you like, take a moment to reflect before letting it bog you down. Your loved ones may be overwhelmed or stressed out or anxious about something. And with the latter comes a hindered ability to think clearly as the prefrontal cortex involved in things like reasoning, problem-solving, decision-making and working memory, does not work to its optimum level.
So, if they are consumed by their own challenges or tasks in hand, or are stressed or anxious, they may forget to show you appreciation, even if they actually do feel it within.
If it is only a short-term blip where the appreciation isn’t forthcoming but then returns, you can rest assured that they do still appreciate you. Should a lack of appreciation continue for a period that feels too long, too uncomfortable, too disconnected, then it’s time to address it.
And Tip 3 is one good way to do this initially if you do not want to make a big deal of things but at the same time wish to remind them of your usually balanced relationship, indirectly.
3. Like Attracts Like
If you and your loved ones are healthy overall and sincerely loving and of a mature enough age, what you give out you will likely get back. So, by being more demonstrative of your gratitude, your loved ones are more likely to respond in like manner.
Therefore, before you feel frustrated that they are not showing you enough appreciation, ask yourself if you are showing them sufficient gratitude. And whether what you are conveying as gratitude is being received as gratitude.
Again, if the other person is overwhelmed, fatigued or anxious, for example, they may not be present enough and clear-headed enough to notice the appreciation you are showing so be sure to make it clear and frequent enough for them to notice.
4. Don’t Take It Personally
Children can be hurtful sometimes. But rather than take it personally, think about what is at the root of their internal discomfort that is spilling out into family life in a hurtful manner. And showing love and compassion is the best way to navigate their negative mood, without ‘spoiling’ them (reinforcing bad behaviour), of course.
When you’ve reflected and recognise what the cause of their seemingly unappreciative behaviour is, work to address that root cause, not the symptom of unappreciative/moody/hurtful behaviour they may be engaging in.
And remember that they are a child and, therefore, you must take the lead, compassionately, to navigate your relationship to where you want it to go.
5. Keep Your Romantic Relationship In Focus, Always
Complacency is one of the biggest relationship and romance killers. Don’t lose sight of each other, no matter how fulfilled your children make you. A happy couple and parenting team make the best parents long-term. And when you marry right, your partner will always be the constant in your life so give him/her your constant love, appreciation, and affection.
Appreciation isn’t always saying thanks or giving thanks with a gift or doing something practical for them. Sometimes showing gratitude is listening to your partner’s wants and needs and honouring them even when those requests may seem like insignificant things to you. If it’s easy for you and your beloved means the world to you, do it. If it’s not easy for you but they still mean the world to you, then find a happy medium that satisfies you both.
And also think of and act upon the other ways you can keep your romantic relationship in focus and your beloved at the forefront of your mind, alongside your children, regardless of the phase you are in with regards to your offspring. For example, being attentive when they are around, helping them emotionally and practically as required, supporting and empowering them, and of course, date nights/days, daily intimacy, and romantic gestures to keep the spark alive.
Gratitude Changes Things
Your positive, genuinely loving relationships are a lifeline so treat them as such.
To help you maintain gratitude in your family relationships, utilise these 5 easy tips:
1. Practise Showing Genuine Appreciation Daily
2. Be Patient And Think Compassionately
3. Like Attracts Like
4. Don’t Take It Personally
5. Keep Your Romantic Relationship In Focus, Always
And remember that we always find the time to do the things that matter to us so side-step any excuses you could use and instead focus only on the solutions that will help you all to be happy and healthy.
References
1. Barton, A. W. & Gong, Q. (2024): A ‘Thank You’ really would be nice: Perceived gratitude in family relationships. The Journal of Positive Psychology, DOI: 10.1080/17439760.2024.2365472
2. Barton, A. W., Jenkins, A. I. C., Gong, Q., Sutton, N. C., & Beach, S. R. (2022). The protective effects of perceived gratitude and expressed gratitude for relationship quality among African American couples. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 0(0). https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075221131288
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