Love & Action
Let’s talk relationship maintenance behaviours. Relationship maintenance means doing the things that will keep your relationship thriving during the good times and the bad. They require the motivation to make your relationship thrive and last, awareness of which things will help you to achieve this goal, and the self-confidence to use them. So what can we learn about this from research?
In one study, researchers looked at whether one’s self-efficacy in romantic relationships in general (the belief that one has the capacity to execute behaviours to achieve a specific outcome in their romantic relationships, regardless of who one’s partner is and what relationship tasks are being undertaken) influenced their use of relationship maintenance behaviours and if this in turn led to greater romantic relationship satisfaction [1].
To do this, they used five relationship maintenance behaviours which can be applied to both romantic and non-romantic relationships, that were originally identified by Canary & Stafford (1992), namely: positivity, openness, assurances, social networks, and sharing tasks [2].
5 Relationship Maintenance Strategies
These five relationship maintenance strategies/behaviours are described as follows [3]:
‘Positivity includes tactics such as being cheerful (when not wanting to be), refraining from criticism, engaging in spontaneous and fun events, and others.’
‘Openness refers to discussing current and future directions of the relationship, as well as disclosing one’s goals for the relationship. Importantly, the disclosure that occurs during maintenance focuses on the relationship and not on personal issues or feelings.’
‘Assurances involve behaviors that show one’s commitment to the partner, stress one’s faithfulness, and provide support to the partner.’
‘Social networks involve behaviors that rely on friends and families as resources that help stabilize the relationship. For example, having weekend visits with one’s family, sharing the same friends, and engaging in the same activities with friends typically help support the relationship.’
‘Sharing tasks refers to doing one’s fair share of the work, performing chores equitably, planning (e.g., grocery lists), and so forth.’
Self-Efficacy & Relationship Satisfaction
The researchers [1] found:
- Romantic relationship self-efficacy is positively associated with relationship satisfaction, i.e. when a person views themselves as a competent relationship partner, they’ll have a more satisfying relationship.
- Relationship maintenance behaviours are positively associated with relationship satisfaction.
- One of the reasons that self-efficacy in romantic relationships is associated with relationship satisfaction is because that relationship-specific self-efficacy results in people engaging in more relationship maintenance behaviours which in turn results in greater relationship satisfaction.
So improving upon your relationship maintenance skills, and building the self-confidence to execute them and expect positive outcomes for your relationship, is going to improve your relationship satisfaction, possibly massively (depending on the current state of your relationship and yours and your partner’s current relationship habits). The little things matter. A lot.
Use Relationship Maintenance Behaviours For Greater Relationship Satisfaction
Naturally, the more positive outcomes you experience, the more satisfied you become, and the more your confidence grows to engage in those very relationship-nurturing and relationship-elevating behaviours that elicited such positive outcomes, and the more you’ll increase (or at least sustain) your relationship satisfaction.
Think of it as a positive cycle that just keeps on giving.
So that’s:
Step 1: Build self-confidence to utilise relationship maintenance behaviours (i.e. relationship-nurturing and relationship-elevating behaviours).
Step 2: Engage in relationship maintenance behaviours.
Step 3: Appreciate and enjoy their positive outcomes.
And then just repeat Steps 1–3 over and over again, all the while learning and improving, appreciating and growing, individually and together.
Build Your Self-Confidence
On the subject of building your self-confidence for engaging in relationship maintenance behaviours, have a think about what is, or may be, holding you back right now, and go to work on it.
Whilst here we have been focusing on the relationship maintenance strategies laid out by researchers – positivity, openness, assurances, social networks, and sharing tasks [2] – remember that there are various other facets that require your attention also, and that when you give them their due attention and effort, they too lead to sustained/increased relationship satisfaction, such as, general communication style, conflict resolution approach, and all forms of intimacy, amongst other things.
So, some questions to ask yourself are:
- Which of the aforementioned relationship habits (positivity, openness, assurances, social networks, and sharing tasks) and relationship facets (communication, conflict resolution, intimacy) do I need to get better at?
- When I have historically performed better in these areas, what positive outcomes have I/we experienced?
- Which 2–3 areas of improvement will I start working on immediately?
Remember that, as the researchers state, ‘The greater the feelings of self-efficacy in romantic relationships, the more likely participants were to report using maintenance behaviors and the more often they used the maintenance behaviors, the more satisfied they were with their relationships.’
So work on utilising thoughts and behaviours that serve your relationship goals rather than sabotage them, and watch how your relationship grows in harmony and satisfaction.
It’s Possible Not All Strategies Will Fit Your Situation
Whilst the study assessed sound strategies [2], the five relationship maintenance behaviours leading to relationship satisfaction may not always be applicable to everyone and here’s why.
Whether you’re in young adulthood, middle adulthood or later adulthood, social networks can change. So that relationship maintenance behaviour may not directly apply to your situation.
For example, you may not have your family and friends nearby as you may have moved to a brand new city or country for yours or your partner’s employment opportunity. Or, sadly, but as is sometimes the case, they may actually be a source of stress, and even relationship problems, for you.
In which case, just focus on the strategies that are applicable, and consider building a new social network if and when you want to.
Maintain To Sustain & Grow
Remember, no matter how long you have been together, the small things matter, they always matter.
And that maintaining your relationship is a lifelong process, something people forget when they’ve become complacent. But complacency is the death of relationship satisfaction.
Don’t do what some fall into the trap of over time where, when facing relationship challenges, they go from making an effort to not investing much effort, to playing relationship-sabotaging tit-for-tat, to forgetting about the small things that used to make a big positive impact on their relationship and wellbeing, to completely living separate lives.
Putting effort into maintaining your relationship, matters, no matter what hurdles you face. In fact, it’s in those challenging moments that you really show one another how much you care and how deeply you love one another, what you’re made of, how well you fit together, and what the road ahead holds, i.e. whether the way you care for one another and your relationship, in the tough times, fills you with optimism and excitement, or pessimism and dread for the future.
With that in mind, embrace the challenges, they’re actually full of gifts, gifts that can make you stronger, closer, happier and more satisfied.
References
1. Weiser, D. A., & Weigel, D. J. (2016). Self-efficacy in romantic relationships: Direct and indirect effects on relationship maintenance and satisfaction. Personality and Individual Differences, 89, 152–156. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2015.10.013
2. Canary, D. J., & Stafford, L. (1992). Relational maintenance strategies and equity in marriage. Communication Monographs, 59(3), 243–267. https://doi.org/10.1080/03637759209376268
3. Canary D. J., Yum Y. (2015). Relationship maintenance strategies. In Berger C. R., Roloff M. E. (Eds.), The international encyclopedia of interpersonal communication (pp. 1–9). Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley. https://doi.org/10.1002/9781118540190.wbeic248
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