Phubbing Vs. Presence
Appreciation is vital for happy relationships. It is something we show in words and deeds. The truth of someone’s feelings towards you always reveal themselves, often in the tiniest moments.
So if either you or your partner feel your presence is not appreciated, it will begin to take its toll. And this can be the case when you engage in ‘phubbing’.
‘Phubbing’ is a composite of the words ‘phone’ and ‘snubbing’. It describes the act of snubbing someone by using one’s mobile phone whilst in their company.
According to research, snubbing your partner in favour of your smartphone or other technological device is associated with various negative outcomes. And even if you think it isn’t affecting one or both of you, the cumulative effects can add up, creating a deepening relational divide.
Let’s take a brief look at three studies and then, how it may be impacting you.
‘Technoference’ Effects During A Longitudinal (Long-Term) Study
Using 344 participants from a longitudinal study of family life from 2014 to 2016, researchers assessed the effects of technological interference (the interruption of a conversation or activity with their partner) over the course of 14 days, on couples (95% married), who had been living together and had a child under the age of five years [1].
Daily, for those 14 days, using a daily diary method, the participants rated how often each of their four technological devices – mobile phone, computer, tablet and television – interrupted a conversation or activity they were engaged in with their partner, i.e. how often they experienced ‘technoference’.
Additionally, they reported or rated (as per the instructions) their:
- daily relationship quality,
- daily conflict over technology use,
- daily positive face-to-face interactions, and
- daily negative mood.
Key Findings
Reports of technoference during the 14 days, to help you think about where you and your partner are likely to be, were as follows:
- 27.6% no technoference whatsoever;
- 16.3% on one day,
- 20% on two to three days,
- 20.4% on four to six days,
- 15.7% on seven or more days.
Furthermore, those who had experienced more technoference on average, also reported more conflict over technology use, less positive face-to-face interactions, and greater negative mood, on average.
And when participants reported more technoference than usual, they felt worse about their relationship, felt they had experienced more conflict over technology use, rated their face-to-face interactions as less positive, and experienced more negative mood.
And this was the case even after accounting for attachment anxiety, depression, and general feelings of relationship dissatisfaction.
Phubbing, Feelings & Retaliation
In another study, using a 10 day diary method, gathering reports from 75 cohabiting participants who had been with their romantic partner for, on average, 8 years, researchers found that participants’ daily perception of being phubbed by their partner was associated with lower relationship satisfaction and greater feelings of anger/frustration [2].
Plus, on days when participants felt partner phubbing levels were high, they experienced more curiosity, resentfulness, and the desire for retaliation which they engaged in by also picking up their phone (tit-for-tat behaviour).
And the reasons they gave for wanting to retaliate were, the need for support, need for approval, and revenge.
Responsiveness Is Important In Relationships
On a slightly helpful, upward trajectory, according to a seven day diary study, when a person reported that they were phubbed by their partner, but still responded to their partner’s needs in a way that the partner perceived as understanding and validating, i.e. their partner was still responsive to them even though they were using their mobile phone when spending time with them, they experienced reduced negative emotions such as anger, sadness, loneliness and feeling upset [3].
Whilst it’s an improvement on the negative effects, such responsiveness didn’t completely diminish those negative emotions in the partner being sidelined over a mobile phone, and that’s very telling.
Phubbing/Technoference Disrupts Romantic Relationships
Snubbing your partner in favour of a technological device clearly isn’t pleasant for your partner [1; 2; 3]. It can give rise to all sorts of questions in their mind about why you’re not valuing your time with them, interested in them, invested in your relationship, and considerate of how being ignored makes them feel.
And given that phubbing can lead to resentfulness and retaliation [2] so immediately, and negative mood and less positive face-to-face interactions [1], it’s likely it will spill over into other aspects of your relationship in the long-run resulting in things like bickering about inane things, talking to each other disrespectfully, and no longer helping one another with the same gusto that you used to.
Resentfulness festers. And retaliation creates negativity and can spark an ongoing cycle of negative tit-for-tat behaviour where you’re suddenly no longer acting like a team, certainly not a very happy, buoyant one.
And then when you face small challenges in the future, they’ll feel much more stressful as a result, because you’ve slowly, insidiously lost that softness for one another, and romance, and feeling of cohesion.
You don’t create relationship problems over night. You create them little by little with bad habits repeated daily or near daily.
What’s Really Going On?
The third study very clearly highlights that partners have needs and expectations. Assuming those are reasonable needs and expectations, if you are frequently ignoring your partner in favour of using your mobile phone, it raises the question, why?
Are you no longer interested in them?
Are you avoiding facing up to something that you’re dissatisfied about in your relationship?
Are you feeling disconnected from your partner?
Is there something about your individual self that you’re unhappy about?
Are you worried about something?
Are you struggling with your mental health?
Are you feeling insecure?
Is somebody outside of your romantic relationship troubling you?
Do you have PTSD and are struggling to focus on anything at length?
Are you suffering from a mental illness and are trying to avoid the psychological or physical suffering that comes with it?
In other words, are you trying to distract yourself from a specific problem?
Listen, whatever problem you may not be facing up to, needs your attention. And I know it can be scary, sometimes so scary that you don’t even consciously acknowledge why you’re doing what you’re doing to distract yourself from your reality. But you need to. For you.
Put everything and everyone else aside for a moment. Start with you.
When you’re happy, the people around you will be happy…eventually. Even if that means the end of a relationship. If it’s not right for you, it’s not right for them either.
And those strangers you come into contact with in your daily life – they can see and feel you’re not happy, too. And it effects them also, energetically, physiologically, psychologically.
And as for your loved ones, they will bear the brunt of your unhappiness.
So by helping yourself, you help others too.
Back To Your Romantic Relationship
Demonstrating your appreciation for your partner being your partner is vital if you want the relationship to be happy, healthy and last. Being present when you’ve decided to spend time together helps them to feel noticed, appreciated, valued, tended to, loved.
Sure, we can all have moments where we get distracted by aspects of our life or can become addicted to things like work and success and fitness. Infrequent distractedness is human. And deciding you’re going to sit together to be in each other’s company whilst both still doing your own thing, is fine.
But if you make a habit of ignoring your partner, or ignoring one another when you’re actively spending time together, whether talking or engaged in an activity, then you are disconnecting from them, or one another, respectively. Do it for long enough, where do you end up? You go from arguments to relationship discontent to living separate lives.
So if you want your relationship to work, prioritise your partner over technology.
Got work to do? Do it in time allotted for it, not in the time allotted for your romantic connection.
Need some me-time. Take it! Schedule daily time for it.
Worried about something? Face it and fix it.
You can. You must. For yourself and others.
References
1. McDaniel, B. T., & Drouin, M. (2019). Daily Technology Interruptions and Emotional and Relational Well-Being. Computers in Human Behavior, 99, 1–8. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2019.04.027
2. Thomas, T.T., Carnelley, K.B., & Hart. C.M. (2022). Phubbing in romantic relationships and retaliation: A daily diary study. Computers in Human Behavior, 137, 107398, 10.1016/j.chb.2022.107398
3. Frackowiak, M., Hilpert, P. & Russell, P.S. (2024). Impact of partner phubbing on negative emotions: a daily diary study of mitigating factors. Current Psychology, 43, 1835–1854. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-023-04401-x
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