Mindful Relating
Mindfulness in marriage and other relationships is something that I have always encouraged in my clients and readers for the past 12+ years. Why? Because you can’t build happy, healthy relationships on auto-pilot.
When you are present:
- you are able to absorb all elements of a person’s communication;
- you can best tend to your conversation partner’s needs in the now;
- you are less likely to unnecessarily drag old issues into the present;
- and you build a sense of connectedness with the other person.
Ultimately, being mindful makes you a better lover, friend, sibling, son, daughter, neighbour. But how specifically?
Let’s look at some research studies to see just how mindfulness helps your marriage.
Mindfulness and Satisfaction
In a new study looking at married couples in mid-life, researchers set out to establish how relationship satisfaction, sexual satisfaction, mindfulness, self-compassion, compassion for others, and the fulfilment of three basic relationship needs (autonomy, competence, relatedness) influenced one another [1].
They also wanted to know which factors were of higher importance within this network.
They discovered that need fulfilment, in particular, relatedness (feeling connected to one’s spouse), was centrally important, ‘connecting mindfulness and self-compassion with relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction’.
Relatedness, that feeling of connection to one’s spouse, can be described as feeling valued, ‘seen’, and cared for. It is understandable, then, that mindfulness would be linked to feeling connected to one’s partner, and thus positively impact relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction.
Same goes for self-compassion. After all, mindfulness meditation has been show to increase self-compassion [2] and when you are self-compassionate, you are better able to regulate your emotions and thus relate better to others which in turn helps others to relate better to you.
And of course, in the context of marriage, this has multiple positive consequences for one’s emotional, physical and sexual intimacy, and thus, overall relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction.
And although the study highlights associations rather than cause and effect, I’d posit that increasing mindfulness would be helpful for increasing relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction, both indirectly and directly.
So engage in mindfulness as much as possible every day, for a happier, more satisfying marriage.
Mindfulness Vs. Spousal Similarity
Marital satisfaction can be described as feeling that your spouse meets your needs and desires. Also important, is that, over time, you are growing together rather than apart. But does that mean that spousal similarity determines marital satisfaction?
In a study of married people of varying ages between 25 and 74 years, researchers found a significant positive connection between mindfulness and marital satisfaction whilst they found no significant relationship between perceived spousal similarity and marital satisfaction [3].
The researchers sum up their results and the positive role of mindfulness in marriage, in this intelligent way:
‘This suggests that spouses who are mentally engaged, open to new experiences, and aware of new contexts enjoy more satisfying and fulfilling marital relationships.
‘Mindful individuals may feel less threatened by change. When relationships are held constant and ignore changing contexts, the possibility for conflict and unhappiness is likely to increase. It is often assumed that a relationship stays stable when a person “gets to know” their spouse. But once an opinion is formed, there is a danger that little opportunity is left for reevaluating, rediscovering that same individual in a new situation or context.’
This is absolutely spot on because relationships evolve and we too evolve whilst in those relationships, and the important thing is to keep growing together rather than apart, despite any spousal differences. And for that to happen, mindfulness is a crucial tool at your disposal.
So fear not your spousal differences, simply focus on being mindfully engaged in your marriage and consistently growing together.
Mindfulness and Wellbeing
Now, a major benefit of mindfulness is its effects on one’s mental health and wellbeing.
Being mindfully present removes repetitive negative thinking such as worry and rumination, both of which have been linked to anxiety, thus enabling inner calm and subsequently, more clarity of thought given the effects of negative and positive emotional states on one’s brain function.
Being mindful can also lead to an increase in self-esteem in the present [4].
And how you feel within and how your brain is functioning in any given moment, massively affects your behaviour towards yourself and others.
So, it’s important to note that in another new study, researchers found a significant positive relationship between mindfulness and the wellbeing of married people [5].
Specifically, the researchers found that the two aspects of mindfulness that were most strongly linked to married participants’ wellbeing were being non-judgemental and being non-reactive.
Just ponder for a moment how those two behaviours – non-judgement and non-reactivity – would change for the better the interactions you currently have with your spouse, and how those improved marital interactions would subsequently improve how you feel about yourself and about your spouse and marriage.
Furthermore, imagine how those two behaviours – non-judgement and non-reactivity – would directly change how you view yourself, your self-image, and the emotions you would feel within on a daily basis as you go through the natural ups and downs of life.
Mindfulness, Emotions And Empathy
In another study, researchers conducted a number of analyses to uncover that, for married women with moderate marital satisfaction, mindfulness-based stress reduction (a meditation therapy originally designed for stress management [6]) improves marital satisfaction by reducing psychological distress and improving emotion regulation and empathy [7].
Furthermore, mindfulness was also found to positively impact marital intimacy and increase positive emotions.
So if you are somewhere in the middle of the spectrum for marital satisfaction, engaging in frequent mindfulness as a result of mindfulness-based stress reduction therapy, may ease you towards a calmer, happier self and higher marriage satisfaction.
Mindfulness, Self-Compassion, And Quality Of Life
And last but not least, researchers conducting a systematic review of 16 studies from a mix of Western and Eastern cultures, published between 2004 and 2020, concluded that mindfulness-based interventions for couples seemed to increase mindfulness, self-compassion, well-being and quality of life [8].
Notably, the researchers also discovered that the use of mindfulness helped alleviate psychopathological symptoms and psychobiological measures of stress, highlighting how mindfulness improves psychological and physiological symptoms of stress through their effects on the human brain and body.
Therefore, mindfulness can be seen as a holistic tool for personal wellbeing for couples. One that inevitably impacts the couple, also.
Mindfulness For A Happier, Healthier Marriage
First and foremost, living mindfully can create feelings of calm and even euphoria.
Secondly, it impacts how our brain and body function, both in the moment and over the long-term, creating a more harmonious relationship with one’s self, and with others.
And as the few studies I have included here have demonstrated, a life lived more mindfully can improve your:
- marital satisfaction,
- sexual satisfaction,
- emotion regulation,
- self-compassion,
- wellbeing,
- empathy, and
- quality of life.
Ultimately, mindfulness helps your marriage.
And as you think about implementing more mindfulness into your life for a happier, healthier marriage, perhaps this explanation by Jon Kabat-Zinn sums mindfulness up best:
‘Mindfulness means being awake. It means knowing what you are doing.’
References
1. Quinn‐Nilas, C., & Milhausen, R. R. (2024). Mindfulness networks: Analyzing associations with self‐compassion, other‐compassion, need fulfillment, and satisfaction in midlife married canadians. Personal Relationships. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12546
2. Shapiro, S. L., Brown, K. W. and Biegel, G. M. (2007). Teaching Self-Care to Caregives: Effects of mindfulness-based stress reduction on the mental health of therapists in training. Training and Education in Professional Psychology, 1(2): 105–115.
3. Burpee, L. C., & Langer, E. J. (2005). Mindfulness and Marital Satisfaction. Journal of Adult Development, 12(1), 43–51. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10804-005-1281-6
4. Pepping, Christopher & O’Donovan, Analise & Davis, Penelope. (2013). The positive effects of mindfulness on self-esteem. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 8, 376-386. 10.1080/17439760.2013.807353.
5. Srivastava, J., & Gautam, R. (2024). Mindfulness and the Psychological Well-Being of Married People. Journal of the Indian Academy of Applied Psychology, 50, Special Issue, 373-380.
6. Niazi, A. K., & Niazi, S. K. (2011). Mindfulness-based stress reduction: a non-pharmacological approach for chronic illnesses. North American Journal of Medical Sciences, 3(1), 20–23. https://doi.org/10.4297/najms.2011.320
7. Yekta, F.F., Yaghoubi, H., Ghomian, S., & Fesharaki M. G. (2022). Mediators for Effect of Mindfulness in Promoting Marital Satisfaction: Modeling Structural Equations in an Experimental Study. Iranian Journal of Psychiatry, 17(1):72-83. doi:10.18502/ijps.v17i1.8051
8. Winter, F., Steffan, A., Warth, M., Ditzen, B., & Aguilar-Raab, C. (2021). Mindfulness-Based Couple Interventions: A Systematic Literature Review. Family Process, 60(3), 694–711. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12683
