Stuff Happens
Challenges are a normal part of life and relationships. Stuff happens. Sometimes unexpectedly.
And how you fare those storms can either lead to the (further) unravelling of your relationship and wellbeing, or to increasing the harmony and growth between you and within you.
But what happens when you’re in a romantic relationship? How do stressful events and your coping mechanisms determine your relationship outcomes?
Couple Coping Research
To determine how different types of coping between romantic couples, and levels of stress, impact relationship satisfaction, researchers analysed data from 57 different studies that contained 72 samples with a combined total of 17,856 participants [1].
The studies analysed positive dyadic coping strategies and negative dyadic coping responses; in other words, positive and negative approaches both partners of a romantic couple used in response to stress in their relationship.
Below are the examples they provided so that you can (a) easily make sense of the results I’ll share in a moment but also so you can (b) identify which you and your partner currently use and, if relevant, which you’d rather use so that you can make helpful changes.
Positive couple coping strategies:
- stress communication (e.g. ‘I tell my partner openly how I feel and that I would appreciate his/her support’ and ‘My partner shows me through his/her behaviour that he/she is not doing well or when he/she has problems’);
- supportive coping (e.g. ‘I try to analyse the situation together with my partner in an objective manner and help him/her to understand and change the problem’ and ‘My partner shows empathy and understanding to me’);
- delegated coping (e.g. ‘I take on things that my partner would normally do in order to help him/her out’ and ‘When I am too busy, my partner helps me out’; or ‘I blame my partner for not coping well enough with stress’ and ‘My partner provides support, but does so unwillingly and unmotivated’); and
- collaborative coping (e.g. ‘We try to cope with the problem together and search for ascertained solutions’).
Negative couple coping responses:
- controlling coping (e.g. the non-stressed partner dominates the situation by taking charge and telling their spouse what to do);
- hostile/ambivalent coping (e.g. blaming the partner for not coping well, or providing support but believing that the partner should solve the problem without that support, respectively);
- overprotection (e.g. ‘My partner thinks that I don’t know what’s right for me’ and ‘I think my partner doesn’t know what’s right for him or her’);
- protective buffering (e.g. ‘My partner tries to keep his or her worries about me to him or herself’ and ‘I try to keep my worries about my partner to myself’); and
- uninvolved coping (e.g. the stressed partner’s perception that he/she is coping without any support from their partner).
Key Findings
From their analyses of the multiple research studies the researchers discovered the following:
1. For both men and women, there was a strong positive correlation between total dyadic coping and relationship satisfaction, where total dyadic coping refers to all aspects of couple coping by oneself, one’s partner, and both partners together.
2. Romantic partners’ own perception of their total couple coping was largely associated with relationship satisfaction. And this was the case regardless of the partner’s age, gender, education level, nationality, and length of romantic relationship.
3. The significant positive link between total couple coping and relationship satisfaction was found across studies regardless of whether the sample was from a community or clinic setting; participants were undertaking an intervention; the data samples contained one or both partners; and regardless of the type of relationship satisfaction instrument used.
4. Relationship satisfaction was greater when both partners were individually coping and when they were coping together, than when one partner was coping by themselves.
Key Takeaways
So two people making an effort – whether individually or together – is good for your relationship satisfaction.
And I would personally add that focusing on positive couple coping strategies is always going to be healthier too, as although negative couple coping responses may be connected to relationship satisfaction, that can be due to you having an unhealthy relationship dynamic, one that you may not even be aware of.
It might even be that you and/or your partner use negative couple coping styles due to learned behaviour (e.g. from parents) or bad habits you’ve engrained within yourselves through the course of your life, but negative coping will still be sabotaging yours and your partner’s wellbeing, even if you haven’t recognised that.
Plus, negative effects can take some time to present themselves which means it can take a while for you to correctly associate negative wellbeing and negative relationship outcomes to specific causes, whether the cause is a stressful life event such as a major illness or loss of job, or other people trying to disrupt your romantic relationship and happiness.
Long-Term Study On Stress & Couple Coping
In a more recent long-term study looking at stress and couple coping over a period of 4 years, researchers found that receiving supportive coping from one’s partner, and coping together as a couple, were more likely to result in relationship satisfaction than providing support [2].
Plus, more important for partners’ relationship satisfaction was the degree to which they provided one another with emotional support and problem-focused support, and avoided hostile/ambivalent coping, than how much they communicated with one another about their stress, hid their worries and concerns from each other, and took over each other’s tasks and responsibilities in a bid to alleviate stress.
As a coach who uses a goal-focused, solution-focused approach to help her clients (and do so quickly), and doesn’t believe in just ruminating over problems, this makes perfect sense. Results should always be the name of the game, whether working with a professional, or working on your relationship challenges yourselves, and being compassionate and empowering helps others to be happy, healthy, and achieve a lot more than they would otherwise.
Key Findings
Perhaps the most elucidating and empowering for all you couples out there, though, are these three findings:
1. The more one person was supported by their partner, and the more they were stressed overall, the more they experienced relationship satisfaction.
2. Dealing with the stress together and perceiving one’s partner as helpful were especially beneficial for relationship satisfaction.
3. Coping well together across several years was more important for relationship satisfaction than fleeting fluctuations from year to year.
From Strength To Strength
So, if life is bringing you stress – e.g ill health, overwhelming responsibilities, or job loss – know that by working collaboratively and resiliently to resolve the issues, you will ultimately strengthen your relationship satisfaction, and work towards your goals, happiness and life purpose as challenges always direct you to where you want to go.
And if malicious people are trying to damage your relationship or wellbeing, for example, family or ‘friends’, know that by coping well as a couple, you can simply say, ‘Bring it on, haters, because you’re just showing us who you are, and we’ll deal with it together, and increase our relationship satisfaction as a result. Thank you.’ [Hair flip optional. ;-)]
Welcome Challenges
One of the biggest blessings in life is overcoming challenges because it shows you what you are made of, thus strengthening your self-image; and equips you with new life skills that you will be grateful for.
And remember that people showing you who they are, is a huge blessing every single time.
So, work like a team. When you notice one or both of you is experiencing stress, ask or tell your partner what the source of stress is, compassionately listen to one another, generate ideas for solutions together, help each other to carry out those solutions, empower one another to take care of issues to the best of your abilities, and keep growing stronger and closer all the time.
References
1. Falconier, M. K., Jackson, J. B., Hilpert, P., & Bodenmann, G. (2015). Dyadic coping and relationship satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review, 42, 28–46. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2015.07.002
2. Rusu, P.P., Nussbeck, F.W., Leuchtmann, L., Bodenmann, G. (2020). Stress, dyadic coping, and relationship satisfaction: A longitudinal study disentangling timely stable from yearly fluctuations. PLoS ONE 15(4): e0231133. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0231133
