The Online Dating Appeal
Online dating has become a bit lacklustre for many over the last couple of years, and whilst not all online dating is bad by any means, there are aspects of it that have driven people away.
First, it’s the lack of initial real life interaction which, after unrelenting ‘lockdowns’, left people craving in-person human connection all the more because we are wired to be social creatures and we’re absolutely not meant to be isolated from one another for an extended period of time.
Secondly, many have become somewhat fed up of the toxic traits displayed by online dating users and the effects this has on their self-esteem, wellbeing, mental clarity, time, energy, and motivation to find ‘the one’.
So, let’s delve deeper into online dating, the characteristics of online dating users, and the effects on online dating users, like yourself perhaps, so that you can think about how much time you want to spend on online dating activities, and how to avoid some of the pitfalls.
Characteristics Of Daters Who Use Online Dating A Lot
In a systematic review consisting of 43 studies published January 1st, 2004, to May 30th, 2019, researchers concluded that greater use of online dating correlated with:
- sensation-seeking,
- sociability,
- sexual permissiveness,
- and anxious attachment [1].
Sensation-seeking is when people crave new and complex experiences, including experiences which are often risky or dangerous.
In another research paper, researchers highlight that people with substance use disorders including those using alcohol, psychostimulants, and opiates, consistently score high on sensation-seeking; and those who self-report as being sensation-seeking are found to more frequently engage in risky sexual practices [2].
Furthermore, in their own study involving 414 participants, sensation-seeking scores were significantly correlated with participants’ overall risk-taking scores [2].
Plus, there were identifiable brain characteristics in the sensation-seekers, in particular, resting-state functional connectivities involving the medial orbitofrontal cortex and anterior cingulate gyrus (the medial orbitofrontal cortex is part of the brain’s reward system, and the anterior cingulate gyrus is involved in attention, emotion, motivation, error monitoring, and inhibitory control).
Therefore, we can say that sensation-seekers have brains that are wired differently to non-sensation-seekers, and are more prone to engage in unhealthy behaviours within themselves, and with others.
Then there’s the sexual permissiveness finding. Sexual permissiveness – for example, frequent engagement in casual sex or sex with many partners – was also linked to greater online dating use suggesting that these users are also engaging in risky behaviour; risky for their self-esteem and risky for their physical health if engaging in unprotected sex which some online dating studies do suggest is commonplace.
And the other one that gives pause for thought is the anxious attachment characteristic which signals difficulties building secure relationships with others which means there are likely to be challenges in the relationship ahead which you may or may not be willing, or capable, to withstand, work with and hopefully overcome.
Importantly, though, that anxious attachment could also signal something much darker lurking behind it, such as narcissism [3].
Motivations For Using Online Dating
The researchers of the aforementioned review also found that self-esteem enhancement and searching for sex were related to problematic online dating use on one particular dating app specifically; and that more generally across platforms, users considered online dating to be more objectifying [1].
Dark Triad Personality Traits On Online Dating
Furthermore, researchers looking at 313 online dating users, 18 to 40 years old, found that:
- those who had reported breadcrumbing someone in the past, compared with those who had not, were more likely to portray a false persona on online dating sites;
- those who had ghosted someone were significantly higher in vulnerable narcissism and secondary psychopathy than those who had not ghosted anyone;
- those who had breadcrumbed someone were significantly higher in vulnerable narcissism and Machiavellianism views than those who had not breadcrumbed anyone [4].
And narcissism specifically [5] and all dark triad traits (narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy) [6] are linked to aggression.
What This Means For You, The Hopeful Dater
These findings highlight the need to be mindful and safeguard yourself whilst engaging with strangers and new acquaintances online and offline, even when you notice these behaviours in a non-dating setting. So, here are a few key takeaways to bear in mind although this list is by no means exhaustive.
1. Low to Moderate Users Are A Safer Bet
What these studies suggest is that if you’re looking for secure, healthy individuals, you may be best off connecting with those who don’t overly use online dating sites and apps, instead engaging with those on there that use them a small or moderate amount. Tease out information from your date to help you gauge their frequency of use.
2. Use Online Dating For The Right Reasons
You must be sure that you are not using dating sites and apps for unhealthy reasons such as self-esteem enhancement because this will likely be counterproductive. By the very nature of online dating, because you are encountering many strangers, it is likely that you will experience rejection, maybe a lot of it, and that can be unhelpful for your self-esteem, particularly if it is currently wavering for some reason (self-esteem is changeable, though, so don’t lose hope).
If you want to raise your self-esteem, find healthy, transformative ways to do that using methods that will create lasting change. And if you use online dating, do so with a clear end goal in mind, i.e. what specifically you want to achieve with it because once you get caught up in it, it’s easy to lose sight of your goals if you’re not focused on them.
3. Beware Of Toxic Behaviour & The Dark Triad Traits
Stay alert to the signals that you are receiving, and safeguard yourself wherever you can. Be aware that those who engage in toxic dating behaviours such as ‘breadcrumbing’ and ‘ghosting’, aside from being disrespectful to you which should be wholly unacceptable to you, may actually be showing you that they have one or more of the dark triad traits – narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. If that’s the case, you should steer clear for your own, health, happiness and safety’s sake.
4. Go At Your Own Pace
Just because a dater wants to move the relationship along quickly doesn’t mean you should. Given online dating is a place where sexually permissive people hang out, and those who engage in toxic behaviours that can leave you questioning your worth and your mind, be sure your dating journey reflects your wants and needs and not theirs.
Ask yourself what aligns with who you authentically are, as well as with your ultimate goal, i.e. your ideal partner and relationship, and use that to guide you.
5. Respect & Value Yourself
As dating can be a lucky dip, and with access to so many daters online, make sure you respect and value yourself – respect and value your mind, body and time no matter what sort of pressure you experience from your dates. You are valuable, treat your mind, body and time as you would treat anything or anyone else you consider valuable: with care, with caution, providing nourishment and protection.
And remember this, we always convey through our verbal and non-verbal communication and our actions, what we expect and are willing to accept. Make sure you let daters know what you expect and what you’re willing to accept, all while bearing in mind that you are valuable and worthy of respect and compassion.
Date Smart & Be Optimistic
There are many dating methods available but if you do choose to use online dating, just beware of the pitfalls and use the above tips to help you avoid them.
Own your worth so that others do too. And regardless of where you seek out dating opportunities, always aim to leave people better off than how you found them, but obviously not at the detriment of your own health and wellbeing.
Date smart, be alert, respect yourself, respect others, protect yourself, be kind to others, and of course, remain hopeful.
References
1. Bonilla-Zorita, G., Griffiths, M.D. & Kuss, D.J. (2021). Online Dating and Problematic Use: A Systematic Review. International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, 19, 2245–2278. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11469-020-00318-9
2. Norbury, A., & Husain, M. (2015). Sensation-seeking: Dopaminergic modulation and risk for psychopathology. Behavioural Brain Research, 288, 79–93. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bbr.2015.04.015
3. Reis, S., Huxley, E., Eng Yong Feng, B., & Grenyer, B. F. S. (2021). Pathological Narcissism and Emotional Responses to Rejection: The Impact of Adult Attachment. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 679168. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.679168
4. Willis, M.L., Oliver, E.G., & March, E. (2023). Dating in the dark: Vulnerable narcissism predicts inauthentic self-presentation in online dating. Telematics Informatics, 81. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tele.2023.101985
5. Kjærvik, S. L., & Bushman, B. J. (2021). The link between narcissism and aggression: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 147(5), 477–503. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000323
6. Jones, D. N., & Neria, A. L. (2015). The Dark Triad and dispositional aggression. Personality and Individual Differences, 86, 360–364. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2015.06.021
