Joy & Satisfaction
Having children is meant to be filled with joy, growth and satisfaction. But we know that this is not always the case for everybody and that can be for a myriad of reasons.
Comments from parents, and their body language, can give conflicting accounts.
So, whether you are considering having children or are pregnant but worried, allow me to share three research studies to help you, and allay some of the concerns you may have.
Relationship Satisfaction And Commitment
Given the inconsistent findings regarding transitioning to parenthood, researchers set out to clarify some important effects of new parenthood on couples’ relationships.
Researchers tested relationship satisfaction and commitment trajectories of 203 couples expecting their first child, at six intervals: baseline measurements at 20-weeks pregnant, followed by assessments at 32-weeks pregnant, and 3-, 6-, 9- and 12-months postpartum [1].
They found that whilst 83% of couples maintained high commitment, 47% retained high relationship satisfaction. So whilst commitment was much more stable during the transition to parenthood than satisfaction, almost half of the couples maintaining high satisfaction is still a promising result.
Even more positive, though, is the fact that 46% of couples maintained both high relationship satisfaction and commitment whilst 35% of couples maintained moderately high satisfaction and high commitment during the first 12 months after the birth of their first child.
Thus, the researchers conclude that reports of declines in relationship satisfaction are not the norm per se, but rather, the result of a small subgroup that experience a steep decline in satisfaction during the transition to parenthood which then leads to a generalised perception of greater relationship satisfaction decline than actually appears to be the case for most.
Other Factors Matter, Too
Whilst the above gives you a promising outlook, what do you need to do in order to help ensure that you fall into the high relationship satisfaction and commitment group when it comes to your transition to parenthood?
Well, one other finding worth noting is that those with the highest perception of partner commitment, highest relational self-expansion (engaging in new experiences as a couple), and lowest attachment avoidance (nervousness about romantic closeness), were most likely to be those who maintained high relationship satisfaction and commitment during the transition to parenthood [1].
That right there tells us three key areas you need to improve, if required, in order to significantly improve your chances of maintaining high relationship satisfaction and commitment whilst transitioning from just the two of you, to parenthood:
- Increasing how much you perceive your partner is committed to you, which could require changes on their part, your part, or from both of you.
- Engaging in new experiences together, of which there are plenty of opportunities relating to the pregnancy journey and enjoying life as new parents.
- Creating a secure attachment with your partner, which may require some simple but powerful changes to not only your current relationship dynamic with your partner but to other aspects of your life, too.
And yes, research finds you can change your attachment style [2]. I’ve had clients who have reported experiencing this themselves during their lifetime, and it’s something I help my clients with, too. So you don’t have to be stuck where you are.
The Transition To New Mum
In another study using data from a whopping 43,517 first-time mothers transitioning to parenthood who were living with the father as either a married couple or as cohabiters, researchers sought to uncover any factors that could predict relationship satisfaction declines and, potentially, recoveries, so as to identify areas that would benefit from prevention and intervention strategies [3].
These mothers reported on their relationship satisfaction, as well as sociodemographic, psychological, and behavioural factors, from 17 weeks pregnancy to 5 years postpartum (17 weeks pregnant; 30 weeks pregnant; 6 months postpartum; 18 months postpartum; 36 months postpartum; and 5 years postpartum).
So let’s see what we can add to the three areas of focus listed a short while ago – (i) perception of partner commitment, (ii) relational self-expansion, and (iii) adult attachment style – but this time, for first-time mothers, specifically.
Whilst most mothers in this Norwegian sample appeared to experience stable relationship satisfaction across the transition to parenthood, the significant factors that predicted relationship satisfaction decline included:
- unplanned pregnancy;
- maternal social support (from people other than one’s partner);
- maternal history of depression (during their lifetime);
- maternal history of sexual or physical abuse (during their lifetime);
- postnatal depression;
- financial stress;
- sexual satisfaction; and
- child negative emotionality.
That’s a lot of factors giving soon to be mothers, and those considering it, and their partners, eight more areas of focus for prevention and cure. And whilst you cannot go back in time, you can deal with problems they give rise to in the present in order to positively change yours and your relationship’s present and future, and the future of your children.
Prevention Is The Best Cure
In the final study I’m going to cover, researchers looked at how (a) a relationship intervention, (b) a co-parenting intervention, and (c) no intervention, would go on to impact the relationship satisfaction of 90 couples (30 couples in each group, randomly assigned) who were either married (86%) or cohabiting (14%), and transitioning to parenthood [4].
They were recruited at 6-8 months pregnant and were assessed on seven occasions during the first two years following the birth of their first child.
Both the couple relationship intervention and the co-parenting relationship intervention consisted of four 90-minute intervention sessions (6 hours in total); participants attended two sessions before birth and two session at roughly 3.5 months after birth. The two interventions focused on things like awareness, existing and potential relationship problems, parenting, problem-solving and planning.
The information control group, on the other hand, attended only a single 90-minute meeting prior to the birth and discussed topics such as budgeting, breastfeeding and common infant health concerns.
Importantly, in all 90 couples, either one or both partners had to meet at least one of seven risk factors based on previous literature on transitioning to parenthood so that the benefit of the interventions could be better tested. These seven risk factors were:
- parental divorce (in the family of origin);
- father-to-mother violence (in the family of origin);
- currently not being married;
- a previous marriage;
- reporting that they were unsure they wanted to have a baby at this time;
- mild-to-moderate violence in the relationship as indicated when interviewed about physical aggression or injury (e.g. pushing, slapping); and
- mild-to-clinical levels of depressive symptoms, as indicated by their score on the Beck Depression Inventory II during pregnancy.
The Interventions Helped
The researchers found that, in particular, women and high-risk men in the couple relationship and the co-parenting relationship intervention groups showed fewer declines in relationship satisfaction compared with the information only control group.
What’s more – these gains continued throughout the two years of the study! That’s an impressive result for such brief interventions and after so much time had passed, demonstrating the power of working on your relationship in the right way, even for just a short period.
High risk men experienced significantly stronger benefits from the interventions compared to the low-risk men.
The women in both intervention groups also reported improved co-parenting and also reported experiencing less stress during the first year after birth.
Interestingly, the relationship satisfaction of the men in the control group (information only) did not significantly decrease over time and, importantly, the stability of their relationship satisfaction was roughly comparable to the women in both the couple relationship and parenting relationship intervention groups.
This could be because men tend to experience more stability and fewer challenges during the transition to parenthood. And that’s very positive for couples as one person feeling strong and stable can help keep the team steady in times of hardship.
A further positive outcome was the fact that women in both interventions experienced large improvements in parenting alliance initially and, in general, maintained medium effects two years after birth, whilst men’s parenting alliance even in the control group began high shortly after birth and remained high throughout the study.
Therefore, the relationship and co-parenting interventions helped the women to achieve the level of parenting alliance that their partners, especially low-risk males, already experienced without any intervention required.
Of course, for women, the number of stresses are much greater than for men following pregnancy and birth and the early phase of child-rearing because of the greater number of responsibilities and changes women face, so this makes sense but also creates an optimistic outlook so long as you work together and help one another through the changes and challenges.
Start With One
Both the couple relationship and co-parenting relationship interventions produced similar effects, thereby suggesting that a focus on either can produce significantly beneficial results. Therefore, whichever you feel more comfortable working on (first) is fine.
It is also likely that working on the co-parenting relationship will naturally enhance your couple relationship and satisfaction, and this is something I have found with clients of not just newborns, but of young children, too.
And as noted by the researchers, given the quality of the co-parenting relationship has been previously linked to various outcomes such as relationship satisfaction, quality parenting, and child adjustment, it is well worth dealing with either the co-parenting relationship or both your relationship and the co-parenting relationship, in order to give yourselves the best experience as you venture into this new phase of your lives, and give your child a better start to their development and life.
References
1. Leonhardt, N. D., Rosen, N. O., Dawson, S. J., Kim, J. J., Johnson, M. D., & Impett, E. A. (2022). Relationship satisfaction and commitment in the transition to parenthood: A couple-centered approach. Journal of Marriage and Family, 84(1), 80–100. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12785
2. Kirkpatrick, L. A. and Hazan, C. (1994). ‘Attachment Styles and Close Relationships: A Four-Year Prospective Study’. Personal Relationships, 1(2): 123–42. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.1994.tb00058.x
3. Kingsbury, M., Clayborne, Z., Nilsen, W., Torvik, F. A., Gustavson, K., & Colman, I. (2023). Predictors of Relationship Satisfaction Across the Transition to Parenthood: Results from the Norwegian Mother, Father, and Child Cohort Study (MoBa). Journal of Family Issues, 44(11), 2846-2869. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X221113850
4. Doss, B. D., Cicila, L. N., Hsueh, A. C., Morrison, K. R., & Carhart, K. (2014). A randomized controlled trial of brief coparenting and relationship interventions during the transition to parenthood. Journal of Family Psychology, 28(4), 483–494. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0037311
