Staying Connected
As your child becomes an adolescent, many sources start vying for their attention, some of it healthy, some of it unhealthy, and whilst you may want to instil all sorts of sensible attitudes and behaviours in your child, you can’t install that programme into their brain in one go.
Fortunately, though, you can steadily programme your adolescent child’s mind to work towards a well-rounded life, one that includes better academic performance, good life skills, and wellbeing.
And you can get them to like their relationship with you. Woo!
Quality Over Quantity
Researchers used an existing longitudinal (long-term) study involving 9000 children and their parents, and extracted a relevant sample of 1815 school students, aged on average 14.31 years (52.6% female), looking at:
- the quantity of parent-child communication,
- the quality of parent-child communication,
- the child’s academic performance, and
- the child’s self-concept [1].
The quality of parent-child communication was gleaned by utilising parents’ responses to four items on a questionnaire that assessed how well parents got along with their children, understood them, trusted them, and made decisions together. Statements were rated on a four-point scale ranging from 1 (never) to 4 (always).
The adolescents’ self-concept had been assessed by asking them to rate statements such as, ‘I feel good about myself’ and ‘I am able to do things as well as most of other people’, on a four-point scale from 1 (strongly disagree) to 4 (strongly agree).
The Results
High quality parent-child communication had a significantly positive effect on children’s academic performance whilst the mere quantity of communication did not affect children’s academic performance.
Furthermore, whilst high quality parent-child communication impacted self-concept, again, the quantity of parent-child communication did not affect the children’s self-concept.
The researchers also note how at this time in a child’s life they are seeking independence from their parents, pursuing a life of greater autonomy, forming their identity, and increasing their privacy.
And given they found that quality conversations matter more than quantity when it comes to improving academic performance and self-concept, let’s look at how you help your teen (1) gain autonomy, and how you can improve the quality of your conversations using those four researched facets, namely, how well parents (2) got along with their children, (3) understood them, (4) trusted them, and (5) made decisions together.
Use these 5 tips to help you.
5 Tips For Improving The Quality Of Your Parent-Child Communications
1. Allow Autonomy
Autonomy is helpful but to clarify, we’re not talking about letting your child go off making every major decision alone. Scary! Parental autonomy in the research literature can mean one of two different processes and in one paper, researchers highlight the benefits of the latter type for adolescent development that I’m going to mention here [2].
The first type is ‘autonomy-as-independence’ – meaning thinking, behaving, and/or deciding without relying on others, as opposed to dependence. The second type, and especially useful for parents of adolescents, is ‘autonomy-as-volitional functioning’ – meaning experiencing psychological freedom and the ability to be authentic.
The researchers highlight two important points about this latter type of autonomy – ‘autonomy-as-volitional functioning’. Firstly, that when parents encourage autonomy-as-volition, the adolescent is more likely to engage in autonomy-as-independence.
Secondly, that when autonomy-as-volition is satisfied, it ‘consistently predicts flourishing in adolescents regardless of timing, age, and culture’ whereas ‘autonomy-as-independence is less or not at all related to well-being and even sometimes to ill-being (e.g., when separating from parents early…)’ [2].
I would add that this will also give your child that feeling of freedom with safety; freedom to make decisions with safety, freedom to be their authentic selves whilst not having to navigate their growing sense of identity, alone. Perception of parental support is key.
So encouraging volitional-autonomy as they navigate their way to increasing independence as they age, is helpful for their wellbeing and achievements.
2. Get On Well Together
Whilst privacy is important to your child at this time in their lives, you still want to know that they are emotionally and physically okay, that they are making good decisions, and that they feel comfortable talking to you about whatever they may be grappling with, academic or otherwise.
And for that to happen, you need a close relationship with them, one that is filled with positive language and positive emotions, a compassionate environment in which they can learn self-compassion, too, and learn how to ride the challenges of life.
Build closeness by sharing personal information, thus encouraging them to do the same with you.
And be gentle with whatever they throw at you.
You want them to know that the ‘Learning about Life’ environment is a safe one and that they can revisit it whenever they want to or need to.
3. Create Empathy
Be present when they’re talking, rather than distracted with the other things on your mind.
Listen well. Including with your eyes…
Verbal and non-verbal communication are both helpful. They let you know what your child is thinking and feeling and that lets you know how to best respond in the situation. So watch and listen, mindfully.
Seek to compassionately understand things from their perspective and give empathic responses so that they feel that the time they spend talking with you, is time spent well, and an experience that leaves them feeling better off than when they first approached you.
4. Enable Trust
The words we use embed commands.
Therefore, frequently use affirming statements to let them know that you trust them.
That you trust them to make good decisions.
That you also trust that they will come to you should they be unsure of anything, want to ask anything, or want outright direct opinions and guidance from you.
This way, when the moment comes, in their subconscious (and conscious if they actively recall such conversations) will be the instruction that they are sensible and have your confidence to behave in a sensible, self-caring, moral manner.
Plus, thanks to your positively affirming statements that echo this sentiment, they’ll remember that the door is open should they ever be unsure of anything and want to speak to you.
Importantly, this also instills in them that you trust them to acknowledge when they don’t feel equipped to make the right choice in a given situation; and that that’s okay. Self-awareness is daily natural self-help.
5. Make Decisions Well Together
Ask questions to uncover their wants and needs. Good questions lead to good insights.
Note what they are saying and what they are not saying, verbally and non-verbally, and use that to help your developing adolescent.
For example, if they are not looking confident in their decision, ask them questions to help uncover what’s troubling them, and also offer your ideas on good solutions and decisions, including your reasoning for them.
Allow them some back and forth between the two of you in a compassionate, open-minded environment so that they feel comfortable and safe opening up and exploring, and can practise skilful problem-solving.
Aim to reach a solid conclusion and/or plan of action with them that you can back with good reasoning, intellectual, intuitive, or both.
Step By Step, Reach Your Parent-Child Relationship Goals and Their Academic Goals
So remember those 5 tips:
- Allow Autonomy
- Get On Well Together
- Create Empathy
- Enable Trust
- Make Decisions Well Together
Maintaining a close, quality relationship with your child can help their academic performance and also equip them with the life skills they require for more resiliently handling whatever they face.
Providing a safe base in their relationship with you means they can venture towards growth but also retreat to the safety they find in you, when required.
And a quality relationship with your child, one that is full of emotional intimacy, positive language, positive emotions, and good decision-making, means lots of positive associations with you in their mind, and lots of positive associations with yourself in your mind.
So use those 5 tips to keep strengthening your adolescent’s capabilities, and your relationship.
References
1. Zhang Y. (2020). Quality Matters More Than Quantity: Parent–Child Communication and Adolescents’ Academic Performance. Frontiers in Psychology. 11:1203. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2020.01203
2. Beyers, W., Soenens, B., & Vansteenkiste, M. (2024). Autonomy in adolescence: a conceptual, developmental and cross-cultural perspective. European Journal of Developmental Psychology, 1–21. https://doi.org/10.1080/17405629.2024.2330734