Change Comes Bearing Gifts
Asking your partner to change something can feel scary, fraught with danger even, but in romantic relationships you both have to ask for what you want and need if you want to continue growing together.
And because as humans you’re both evolving, so is your relationship, and if you’re in a happy, healthy relationship, it will always be evolving for the better.
Think of any long lasting relationship in your life, like wonderful old friendships. You’ve watched each other grow in your own way, and you’ve evolved your relationship together. It’s a beautiful thing.
Your personal evolution happens because life happens. You learn something new about yourself, you learn more about your needs, you see your past more clearly, you let go of the characteristics that no longer serve you, you let go of people who sabotage your inner peace, and you look forward to a future that resonates with who you’ve become, who you want to be, and the life you want to lead.
And sometimes with that journey comes friction, personally and interpersonally, and a need for realignment with yourself and your loved ones. Both require honest communication, the first, with yourself, the second, with others. So you need to be authentic. (Self-)compassionately authentic with a view to creating positive change that maintains or strengthens your cohesion as a couple.
Being Honest Can Be Scary
Yes, speaking up to request a change can feel scary, though. So much can be at stake – you want your requests for change to lead to relationship satisfaction rather than dissatisfaction, closeness rather than distance, empowerment rather than disempowerment.
So do you speak up or do you shy away? The goal is to always speak up, compassionately, authentically, helpfully, lovingly, because the goal is to grow together and for that you have to nourish your relationship with honesty. Honesty is part of being trustworthy and being trustworthy is a must for a happy, healthy relationship.
And despite the concerns you may have about asking your partner to change something – how your comments may be taken, whether they’ll heed your request, whether it will reignite other unresolved issues within yourself or your relationship – new research suggests that you may be worrying unduly.
Relationship Honesty Confers Benefits
Now, before you go thinking about toning down your request for change, know this. Research finds that when (a) romantic partners feel they have honestly expressed their need for change and (b) the message-receiving partner perceives their partner as being honest:
- both partners experience greater emotional wellbeing immediately after the discussion and long-term (3 months later);
- both partners experience greater relationship satisfaction immediately after the discussion;
- and the message-receiving partner is more motivated to change accordingly [1].
Importantly, this was the case when discussing difficult subjects.
So let these findings strengthen your courage if you are shying away from important topics, recognising that, despite your imagined fears, your honest request for change could actually increase both yours and your partner’s wellbeing and make you both feel happier about your relationship, and result in the changes you desire, or outright need.
The results make perfect sense, too, because when you are communicating a difficult request for change, you are demonstrating to your partner that you care about the state of your romantic relationship and your future together. You should be glad your partner cares enough to be asking for change, and you should be comfortable asking for change.
The time to actually worry is when you’re not talking to each other about anything important. That silence is an ‘I don’t care anymore’ or ‘I’ve lost hope’ signal. It takes a long time for couples to reach that point but once they do, it’s time for serious action.
So, on a lighter note, be absolutely clear that discussing your honest desires/needs for change is a great sign and a vital part of happy, lasting relationships. How else do you realign with yourself and your spouse as you evolve through life? How else do you fix things when your relationship has gotten off track?
And you need to do it because your partner isn’t psychic (most likely), doesn’t see the world and life in the exact same way you do, doesn’t have the same challenges or personal history that you do, and does not have the exact same needs as you.
If they truly care for you, they will want to know what will make you happier. If they deeply love you, they will want to ensure they do whatever they can to make the relationship work.
Communicate Compassionately
Communicating well is key for the health of your relationship, the health of your partner, your own health, and in order to achieve the desired outcome.
You should communicate compassionately at all times, but especially so when you’re broaching difficult conversations requesting change, and regardless of how frustrated, angry or hurt you’re feeling. I know it can be easier said than done, but kindness in communication does not rest on how you’re feeling.
I have clients who are the sweetest souls who lose their temper when disagreeing/arguing with their partner. This can be for a number of reasons.
For example, undergoing a lot of stress, retraumatisation due to current triggers that remind them of their past trauma, having (complex) post traumatic stress disorder, feeling repeatedly unheard or undervalued or overlooked, feeling worried/anxious about the future of the relationship and about their own future.
It happens, it’s not good, but it happens. But repeat unpleasant communication is bad for your physical health [2, 3], bad for your emotional wellbeing [3] and bad for your relationship [3].
And whilst you may not be surprised to learn that frequent anger in marital communication can potentially reduce your longevity [2], so too can suppressing your emotions rather than sharing them [4].
Sooo, you need to communicate your needs, and you need to communicate well. Not only for your health and wellbeing, but also for your partner’s health and wellbeing, for your relationship to keep evolving in a positive direction, and for you to keep growing stronger, happier and closer as a couple.
3 Tips To Move Your Tough Conversations Along
To learn how to communicate better with your spouse/partner, check out this self-help course I’ve designed for improving communication and, consequently, relationship satisfaction, but for now, allow me to share three brief tips to help you move things forward in your relationship, whatever you’re facing as a couple.
1. Start Now, Focus Forward
If you feel that you have a lot of unresolved issues that you’re not broaching, list them, and then pick one to discuss each week, or each fortnight if weekly feels too much right now. As per the study, be honest. And focus in the direction you want to go in: focus on your goals and desires rather than on your fears and dislikes.
2. Plan for Success
When discussing important topics, including when asking your spouse to change something, plan what you are going to say. Know what your desired outcome is and then work out what to say and how best to say it, in order to achieve your end goal. And remember, the end goal must be mutually beneficial in some way, even if the benefit to one partner is having a happy spouse, which will likely positively impact the other spouse’s happiness anyway [5].
3. Communicate Compassionately and Respectfully
There are several important traits to honour so that you communicate well but to simplify for now, keep these two in mind: be compassionate, be respectful. By keeping these two traits in mind, you’ll naturally behave in a relationship-serving and goal-serving manner. For example, being compassionate helps you to seek to understand and be gentle with whatever unexpected information or behaviour comes your way. Being respectful helps you to keep your partner receptive, and helps you to say sorry when you ought to.
Evolve, Realign, Benefit
You have to ask for what you want and need, and it’s better to be authentic and transparent than make your partner guess and wonder.
Take care of how you communicate because your communication style affects your conversational outcomes, and your health, wellbeing, and relationship satisfaction.
And remember, the more you communicate well, the more both your needs will be met, and the more well aligned as a couple you’ll be.
References
1. Le, B. M., Chee, P. X., Shimshock, C. J., & Le, J. D. V. (2025). Expressed and Perceived Honesty Benefits Relationships Even When Couples Are Not Accurate. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 0(0). https://doi.org/10.1177/19485506241312876
2. Haase, C.M., Holley, S.R., Bloch, L., Verstaen, A., & Levenson, R.W. 2016. Interpersonal emotional behaviors and physical health: A 20-year longitudinal study of long-term married couples. Emotion, 16(7):965-77.
3. Shrout, M. R., Renna, M. E., Madison, A. A., Malarkey, W. B., & Kiecolt-Glaser, J. K. (2023). Marital negativity’s festering wounds: The emotional, immunological, and relational toll of couples’ negative communication patterns. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 149, 105989. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2022.105989
4. Chapman,B. P., Fiscella, K., Kawachi, I. Duberstein, P., Muennig, P. (2013). Emotion suppression and mortality risk over a 12-year follow-up. Journal of Psychosomatic Research 75(4): 381–385.
5. Hoppmann, C. A., Gerstorf, D., Willis,S. L., & Schaie, K. W. (2011). Spousal interrelations in happiness in the Seattle Longitudinal Study: Considerable similarities in levels and change over time. Developmental Psychology, 47 (1), 1-8.
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